The Most Important Lesson They'll Learn All Year

After two months out of the classroom, I returned to my thirty-six fifth graders this past week.  Just eleven months ago my husband, Jim, was diagnosed with stage IV cancer.  He died February 19, 2014 at just 53 years old.  Half of my students were looped, and they knew last spring that 'Mr. McConnell was very ill' and that I was taking off a few days a week through the end of the school year to help him 'get well'.  What they didn't know was that he had cancer, and during the spring he had three surgeries and almost lost his life twice. 

Over the summer and after radiation, his health stabilized and the new school year started with more of a routine.  I was out every third Friday for our chemotherapy appointments.  I was able to get the same sub, Mr. Ma who grew to know them and their routine.  Over Thanksgiving break, my husband Jim's health took a turn for the worse and it was time to explain more about my absences to my students and their parents.

I really did not intend to tell them that day.  The kids were making a joke about all the coughing that was going on in the classroom during this particularly bad flu season, and I just lost it.  I'd been worried all year about bringing germs home to my immune compromised husband, and here these 10 year old were joking about it.  I just started crying in frustration, exhaustion and sadness.  So I told them.  With tears, they listened to my fifth grade version of our story.  

Over Christmas break Jim went back in the hospital with extreme difficulty breathing.  I joked how considerate it was of him to be hospitalized again during my time off school.  He was put on oxygen and we returned home, just in time for me to go back to school.  The students often asked about him, especially after I'd missed a day of class.  Some expressed hopes that he would 'get well soon', though I knew in my heart that was not likely to happen.

In the beginning of February, Jim was diagnosed with two extremely nasty opportunistic infections which required IV antibiotics every four hours. I had to take more time off as he was hospitalized and I learned how to administer at home injections.  The week before our 'ski week' break, I was only at school one day.  True to his form, Jim was admitted to the hospital just two days before the break and he died the Wednesday of ski week, while the kids were on vacation.

Upon their return to school, our principal informed my students of my loss.  They sent cards and a poster, 'Get well soon, we miss you'. Some of their parents attended Jim's memorial service.   +Kristi Schwiebert  is a mentor and friend of mine and her son has been in my class for two years now.  She asked him if he wanted to come to Mr. McConnell's service.  Kristi's son echoed the fears of many of my kids when he said, "No, I don't want to see Mrs. McConnell so sad." His words touched my heart.

My students were typical kids and were not very well behaved for my long term sub. Fortunately, I teach with some amazing colleagues who helped her through it.  After about a month I decided to come back on April 2,  45 days after Jim's death.  There is no right time and it would never be easy. But I had a strategy. I'd come back on a Wednesday, a short day, three days before spring break, to ease me and my kids into it.  I contacted The Center for Living with Dying to get some ideas for activities to help my students process our shared grief.  I contacted our staff and let them know how fragile I was and to not look at me with those sad, I'm sorry eyes before I had to see my kids in the morning.

And so, armed with grief management activities, the love and support of my co-workers and morning meditation, I returned to class.  The kids were peeking in the small door window that morning before class.  I knew they'd wondered, 'would I act the same? Would I look the same? Would I be the same?'  I wanted to be the same fun Mrs. McConnell they knew and loved, but how could I be? I was barely breathing I was so sad.  But then I saw their joy at my return and it was infectious. We had a group hug, all 36 of them! I was surrounded by love and hugs and happiness.  

We did our grief processing with some tears, theirs not mine.  I held it together until the end of the day when I was sharing with them how hard it was for me to come back, but how easy they made it.  Then I cried, just a little.  But I think it was good for them to see my emotion.  By Friday they were up to their old shenanigans and as 10 year olds will, they've moved on.  Inside, I am still incredibly sad, but they've taught me an important lesson.  Life does go on.

The Most Important Lesson I'll Teach All Year is not how to do a prime factorization, how to use figurative language in your writing or the causes of the American Revolution.  Yes, I will teach these things but these are not the things they will remember.  They will remember that their 5th grade teacher's husband died in the middle of the year.  They will remember that I missed almost a quarter of the school year.  But more, they will remember that I came back.  That I came back to them.  They know that my family, my husband, was most important. They knew that I was where I needed to be to care for him, and to grieve him.  But they knew I came back. To teach them. They know that they have value, that they are important to me. They learned about loss and grief and resilience and compassion.  They learned that love is what gets us through. 

Teachers who Need Teachers...

...are the luckiest teachers... I was honored to read what über blogger +Vicki Davis  wrote about my year-end reflections and me in her blog. I saw Vicki present to a large room at CUE a few years back and have followed her work ever since. She is an inspiring lady and frankly it's quite humbling to think I could inspire her.

I love what she says about teachers supporting and encouraging each other, too often I have seen quite the opposite - passive aggression towards teachers who do things differently. We encourage our children to embrace diversity, let's do the same. Indeed, draw strength from each other! Teaching can be a lonely profession, without a lot of genuine adult contact. Rather than spend our time in the staff room griping, as my friend +Michael Bobrowicz  put it, let's spend our valuable moments together building each other up, sharing successes, learning from each other. We need each other, to learn from, to lean on and to grow with!

And in an act of shameless self promotion, I am sharing Vicki's comments here:

Mrs. McConnell's Blog: Top 12 Reflections on 2012 - conclusion

IN her final set of reflections, Sandy uses a new feature, that of Google plus tagging in a blogger blog, which is how I found what she wrote! IF you use blogger, use the plus and tag people and we'll find you more easily than the traffic type things. Finally an advantage for being on blogger besides just tight integration with Google.

I love how her work with edtech and ipads is part of what she's done. With all she's been through: layoffs, cancer, adding onto her house - I think I've found a new hero and definitely someone I"ve added to my PLN. I've known of her work, but now I"m a fan.

Sometimes, when you open up, share and reflect, you connect on a deeper, more personal level than if you pretend like life is perfect. TEachers, lets stick together and encourage each other.

Mrs. McConnell's Blog: My Top 12 Reflections on 2012, pt. 2

Even more inspirational, here Sandy shares how she worked hard to find a place where students are treated with compassion and inclusion and how she found someone to work with her. She also built onto her house and had surgery on a thyroid tumor. I think that some people think that innovators have it easy and they'll just work when it is easier. Sandy didn't have it easy at all and look at what she's done. I find her reflections so heartwarming and hope some of you will share your stories. We should draw strength from one another.

Mrs. McConnell's Blog: My Top 12 Reflections on 2012 pt. 1

Sandy McConnell has created a nice set of reflections for 2012, something I think all admins should want their teachers to do, where she shared her views, what she has done, and how she's improved. Such retrospection on a year is a powerful way to mark learning and remember. She's done so many things, but particularly I like how she didn't let the fact that she was temporarily laid off stop her from learning and moving forward. IF you're having a tough time, you might want to read what Sandy is and has done. She inspires me. Wow. I"ll link to all of her sets, because I"d like you to read them all.

Reach out and touch somebody's hand, make this world a better place...you can!

In the aftermath of the unspeakable horror and unfathomable sadness of the tragedy at Sandy Hook, we are asking, what can we do? What indeed? Part of me just wants to curl up in a ball and cry for days. But I can't do that. I have kids who need to see me in the classroom tomorrow morning, who need to know that I am there for them.

Last night, I heard the song, If I Could Have a Beer with Jesus, and I wondered what would He say about this? Is it really possible to turn the other cheek?  It is easy to blame the lack of gun control or mental illness, but what can we as a society and as individuals, do to change it?

We can help make it safe to reach out. On Tamara Fisher's blog, Unwrapping The Gifted , she writes "To a Bright Kid With Troubles" "Somewhere in your life you crossed paths with someone who got you even a tiny bit. Maybe it was a teacher from ten years ago. Or a friend from your grade school playground... or mom or dad or a sibling or a neighbor or that teacher who laughed at your joke in the hallway but you don't know his name. A school counselor, a principal, an older cousin, or grandma and grandpa... Yes, you've thought of it. That's the one. That's the person to reach out to. ..." And when they reach out, we need to be there for them.  When someone we know needs help, we shouldn't wait until they are in crisis to reach out and truly make a difference. A friend of mine once told me her advice, "Don't just say, 'how can I help?' Actually show me that you will help by showing up. Do something!"

As a teacher, my heart aches for my students, wondering how afraid they might be to come to school tomorrow. Monday will be difficult for many of our children and staff. I take it as a sacred trust to take care of these children, MY kids. As Angela Maiers states there is no lesson plan for tragedy. My intent is to let the children guide the discussion. I understand that their parents may have shared a little or as much of the tragedy as is appropriate in their home. I will not let my kids discuss the shootings, but I will reassure them that they are safe and loved in my classroom. I will let them know, They Matter.

Jackie Gerstein offers some real, concrete suggestions for teachers on her blog, and says honestly, As horrible as they are, they become teachable moments for students to feel that they count and can make a difference. Activities such as the ones described can help students heal and give students the opportunity to help heal the world. If you are a teacher, I urge you to consider her suggestions.  The one I hope to start my day with is a Sharing Circle: Have a morning circle or group to offer students the opportunity to discuss how they feel about the event. This is not a forum to discussed the details of what happened.  The news does enough of this.  The focus is on feelings.

As my 80 year old mother said to me Friday night, "I am glad that you have a plan, but I am sad that you have to have a plan."

If I could, I would probably teach for free, yet no amount of money they'd ever pay me could cover the value of what we do for our students. It is an awesome responsibility and a great honor. My heart goes out to the staff and families at Sandy Hook.